A (chronically) fabulous weekend

I had *such* a good weekend-hosting another ace LB party, followed by a 36hr mates movie weekend of late nights & being up early enough for McDonalds breakfast (with 2hrs to spare-such is our dedication to fitting in an extra movie!).

The cost of this fabulous exertion for me, however, is increased aches, pain & more tiredness than my non chronic-pain-enduring friends. So instead of doing the few things on the To Do list I diligently wrote up before bed yesterday, to do when my mates had left, I crashed on the sofa & napped instead of going to church this eve (very disappointing as it’s a great talk topic at the mo!); dinner was brought to me on the sofa by my kind husband who knew enough to rouse me to eat tonight when I’d have rather slept but actually needed the energy & enjoyment of the eating more (he’s a keeper!). The weekend’s activities were absoluteeely worth it (!!!) but in hindsight, having the movie weekend off the back of the party was over zealous social planning (I can hear other chronic-pain endurers going ‘duh!’).

OK, I know that describing two days of mooching on the sofa watching (brilliant) films & eating guest-made treats as ‘exerting’ sounds ironic but it’s not. I also know I am FORTUNATE! Yes I wake in pain every day & sometimes cry in pain or, moreso, from the physical & emotional tiredness from it but, hello, I danced, chatted, served, laughed & ate & drank from Friday to Sunday, & had more fabulous fun & conversation than many healthier peeps this weekend! Amidst the hosting, I let my friends/guests wash up each morning while I got my pilates groove-on cos hey, I’ve learned how to receive love & help (well, am learning), & also because I believe that it’s kind to let others show love & appreciation through service if they want to.

The time with mates has been so wonderfully nourishing for me mentally & emotionally as we watched great stories, had fun & scintillating conversation, deepened new friendships & ate & drank heartily. But it’s also been two eves in a row of 5-6hrs sleep for a body that needs-& rarely gets-9+hrs to be rested, but which will still wake in aches & pain every single morning regardless of how many hours sleep it gets, cos, y’know, chronic pain life. Nonetheless, now I’m more & more aware, & ACCEPTING, of the need for chronic pain *self-care* planning, I’m learning to plan better in future. So I’ve written off the To Do list: I’ll just have to suck in choir practice tomorrow as I haven’t the energy to rehearse tonight, & I am cashing in on the on the best perk of my job (well second best after the free coffee!) & am going to work from home tomorrow-a luxury for which I am immeasurably grateful!! So this is me being open. As I write that my face is saying ‘ugh’ as I hate vulnerability & showing any weakness! But, I’ve realised that is colluding with internalised ignorant societal norms which dictate that physical & mental health = strength when, in fact, it takes *real strength* to recognise, accept & acknowledge one’s needs & limitations. So here are some of mine laid bare. And they don’t make me any less (chronically) fabulous!

Sh*t Happens

On holiday I read the superb ‘Consolations of Philosophy’ by my hugely-admired sage of philosophy and life, Alain de Botton.  In it he educates us as to how seminal philosophers’ outlooks on life can help us navigate the choppy waters of our hearts and minds.  And this is how I met Seneca. This is a man who, in Alain’s words, ‘conceived of philosophy as a discipline to assist human beings in overcoming conflicts between their wishes and reality.‘  While that may not sound like much, to me, it was affirming and inspiring to stumble upon such an approach.  When aged 22, with a few thousand pounds of inheritance, I wrote a will a close friend declared that I was ‘morbid‘.  To me, I was ‘prepared‘.  And this is where Seneca and I concur.
As Seneca so beautifully espoused: ‘Mortal have you been born, to mortals have you given birth.  Reckon on everything, expect anything.’ Basically, SHIT HAPPENS-you aren’t exempt.
I try to live by this… We have few rules in our home, but one sacred rule is this: every time one is leaving the house, even just to the garage, the departing spouse *has* to kiss the other goodbye. (In seven years there is one occasion in which David went to the garage without said goodbye kiss…& returned home to a banshee.  And another occasion when I was so blindingly mad  at him I made a protest trip to the shop-which is 50metres from our home-without the obligatory kiss so he would *know* shizzle was serious!)  Because, you see, people do just ‘pop to the shop’ at the end of the road and get knocked over by cars ALL THE TIME!  And while I don’t want that to happen to my husband or I, except for enacting good Highway Code road safety, I am powerless to stop such an event befalling us.  But I can ensure that we have kissed before that Ford Fiesta hits!
Now, you may imagine me an anxiety-ridden woman with bitten nails and greyed hair (well the hair is greying but that’s thanks to my handsome father’s annoying early white-hair genes!).  Not so.  I am, instead, simply aware that at ANY stupid minute a well-liked, bright, kind 14 year old pupil can die of an allergic reaction at the start of her summer holiday; a seemingly untroubled,  jovial middle-aged family man can commit suicide in the family car; an old man can die peacefully but alone in his favourite chair while his family laugh and joke in the kitchen downstairs; or a middle-aged mother find a lump that turns out to be cancer.  Essentially, I am aware-as we all are-that SHIT HAPPENS.  But while most of us hide that knowledge in a shadowy, dust-covered long-term storage box in our mind, I keep I just knowledge laid out at the front.  Essentially making me the emotional equivalent of a Girl-Scout: BE PREPARED!
And so, at 35 I have planned my funeral (I love planning parties so am damned if I’m going to miss planning my own Bon Voyage!), and really must get around to doing a new will.  I kiss my husband goodbye before popping outside.  And I frequently imagine getting random calls about loved ones dying. But this actually doesn’t make me morbid or in ANY way curtail my life. Oh no. You’ll be hard pressed to find many who take more joy from simply existing than me.  BUT, as Seneca observed, we are disappointed & aggrieved when life does not match our wrongly built up expectations of health, longevity & ‘fairness’ (I’ll be addressing that myth in another blog!).  So I proclaim: SHIT HAPPENS. All The Time. And it will happen to you.  So kiss, and hug, and have integrity, and find joy in today, and be good-humoured, and honourable and truthful and kind.
Because as Seneca so poignantly pronounced: ‘No promise has been given you for this night-no, I have suggested too long a respite-no promise has even been given for this hour.’