It takes a village to raise a marriage

So THIS happened nearly nine years ago:

LesterBest0204 - Click to view full size photo

And in typical LB fashion, we are already planning a celebration for when we reach 10 years in one year, five months and two days time (but who’s counting!). We LBs do love to celebrate (well I do, and David’s caught the bug through osmosis); but our desire to have a big party, blessing or some sort of celebration with friends & family goes deeper than just wanting to dress up, eat, drink, dance and generally have fun.

In our wedding service, as with all weddings to which I’ve been, our Vicar asked the congregation ‘do you, the family and friends of David and Natalia promise to support and uphold them in their marriage?’ And, as with every other wedding, everyone exclaimed ‘WE WILL!’.

Now, it has been said (on more than one occasion) that I take words too literally and seriously so maybe this is just me. But, to me, when I make this claim, when I shout out to my friends or family at the alter, making the biggest promise they’ll ever make, that I’ll support them in that, I mean it. But the number of people who announce their divorce to friends, family & acquaintances who are totally shocked shows that those friends or family likely haven’t been upholding or proactively supporting their marriage, or there wouldn’t be such shocked faces…and maybe there’d be fewer divorces.

But this isn’t just to tap away & judge the people who came, celebrated, ate, danced, meant well, gave a gift, and then buggered off.  As adults, if we want support then we need to show that we are open to it. Yes, other people need to prioritise asking more than just superficial questions to which they expect and accept ‘yeh, we’re great thanks’ responses; we can ask ‘what’s been a highlight and challenge of marriage so far?’ or ‘what’s made you want to get divorced (this week!) and what’s made you glad you chose each other?’ etc. But we also need to be open to such input and, importantly, to provide opportunities for people to be part of our marriage (in a non-breaking of vows kinda way 😉 )…for me, that’s part of the reason I have a WhatsApp group with a couple of close, married mates wherein we can vent, seek advice, challenge & support each other.

And this part of the reason why we intend on marking our marriage milestones not just the two of us (though we do that as well), but as celebration within our community of family & friends. I love that because we so often have people live with us, they see the cuddles, the thoughtfulness, the not leaving the house without kissing each other goodbye of our LB marriage. They also see the griping, moaning, occasional shouting & swearing too (all me). Because of how open, honest & authentic we are (well, we try to be) our friends & family know that they can speak up, nudge, enquire etc about us. And what better opportunity to celebrate with, support and uphold us than at a big anniversary? Because our marriage is not just between the two of us-it’s a commitment and relationship which embraces and hopefully blesses and supports and help grow others we love too-and they, in turn, help us grow and be happier and better.

group wedding pic blurred
24.10.09 | image blurred for data protection yada yada

Should We All Be ‘Colour Blind’?

I gave a talk recently about diversity, inclusion and, basically, the lack of both.

A little context before I rant: My sermon covered the importance of valuing diversity in all ways, including different races, genders, sexualities, ideologies, ages, marital statuses and abilities (etc!),  but I mainly focussed on race; perhaps because it’s the easiest to spot and cos we live in Harrow which is one of the most ethnically diverse boroughs in all of Europe!

Now the Ranty section of this blog post:

I’m not gonna rehash my sermon but rather this is about the feedback. Well, one particular piece of feedback.  Feedback which, when I heard it, resulted in me exclaiming aloud (to a Vicar, but he wasn’t wearing the dog-collar so doesn’t count obv!): “That’s f**king bollox!!”

Intrigued? Well, the comment was “We don’t need this sermon because I don’t see colour. Seriously. Yep, seriously. I say it again. SERIOUSLY.

OK, I know the person meant well and it’s an admirable sentiment. But it is NOT true. And furthermore, it cannot be (unless they are actually blind in which case that’s a biological fact not a sociological truth!).

Life In Color: A Cure for Color Blindness
Image: Colourstudio.com

 

The truth is, we ALL see colour.  And what scares me more than overt racism (which I can see and confront or avoid) is this notion that we are ‘post colour’ and thus should all shut up about it.  And by ‘we’ I mean us Global Majority/Non-White/Ethic-Monitory/Brown/Yellow/Tanned people. Because, funnily enough, it seems to usually be White/Pink/Caucasian/Pale/Global Minority people who ‘don’t see colour’. What power, privilege and presumption this betrays.

People don’t see it because you don’t have to. When people of colour have to question if the shop assistant who was stroppy was perhaps being racist; when people of colour have to be extra polite to authority figures to ensure they don’t get called ‘aggressive’ (or in America, even murdered by the very police paid by their taxes to protect them); when people of colour have to speak better, work harder and dress more smartly for an interview lest our skin tone or even our name hinder us from the job, we HAVE to see colour. Ours. And negotiate our ways, words and manners around the rules of a world that does see colour and deems ours wrong.*

When people of colour walk into a church or shared community space and are welcomed to participate, but not welcomed into leading or influencing in that space, we are reminded that you DO see our colour. And maybe, unconsciously, you find us unworthy because you are socially conditioned and plagued by hundreds of unconscious biases you don’t admit to, even to yourself. And so am I.  Or maybe – I hope- you don’t see us as unworthy, but rather you simply don’t notice that everyone who has been stamped with the seal of approval to influence & lead is white (and so often the 4 Ms: male, middle-classed, middle-aged & married).  Because you are so busy not seeing colour, or difference, that you haven’t noticed the blatant lack of it.  So until you actively open your eyes and LOOK for colour, how will you notice its absence? How will you notice our absence? And then how will you change anything?

So I’ll keep preaching (if I’m allowed to), and proclaiming uncomfortable truths in all my techni-colour passion til eyes are opened and self-lies corrected. And if you want some spectacles, don’t go to Specsavers, come to us, we have dozens.

*re my saying ‘around the rules of a world that does see colour’: I was going to say ‘Western’ world here but then I realised that’s too limiting and that because of Colonialism & Imperialism in all its guises even in Africa, Asia, South America the Middle East (i.e. and all the Global South) being light-skinned is almost always admired & thus privileged.