I’m not a fearful person. Thankfully. Not much makes me nervous and I am pragmatic and stoic enough to know that shit happens, both good and bad, so tell people you love them and woman up and face whatever comes.
But recently I’ve felt fear for the first time because of my disabilities…
I was in my kitchen and could hear a man’s voice downstairs, near me- when I was home alone. I didn’t understand what was happening & felt afraid -just for a moment. After 20seconds of looking around nervously, I saw that the letterbox was open as that the postman was delivering… and he was singing to himself. That’s what I could hear ‘near me’. You see, I wear hearing aids. So couldn’t place where the sound was coming from and thought the voice I heard was in my house. Scary and funny. Hearing aid life!
The other fear is a slow burn. And arguably random. But there are many disabled people who’ll relate to this one: I’m a little afraid because WINTER IS COMING!
Winter means Christmas trees & lights, mulled wine (yay!), parties, celebrating Jesus (double yay!) and maybe even snow.
But I have chronic pain. One specialist says it’s fibromyalgia. Another says it’s not. Whatever. I don’t care about the label. I care about the fact that my body stops working right in the cold (well, even less right, Lol).
The cold saps my energy like a plunger – & I already start my day with less energy-or fewer ‘spoons’- than a regular, healthy person.
My legs, which already often keep me awake with pain like flickering electricity in my calves, get worse in the cold.
My hands often seize up and sometimes I can’t open a door or dress myself (well I can cos I’m smart now and avoid buttons and just wear stuff that goes over my head!!).
My back and whole body tense as I thought under attack. And I’m exhausted.
So, today as I lay in bed in pain, I look out the window on a perfect autumnal scene-golden amber leaves, rich blue sky, and a glistening yellow sun. I relish in the colours and crispness of this beauty. And I push the fear to the back of my mind. Winter is coming. But maybe this winter will be OK. Maybe it won’t. Either way, I’ll woman up and crack on! I remind myself, there’s no fear in Christ. If this winter is hard, I’ll lean on the physical strength of my beloveds and the spiritual strength I have within. And when I do need rest, I’ll rest in my Saviour’s arms and on my comfy DFS sofa.