Through a ranty, rambly convo with my Vicar’s wife a few years ago, during one of those inevitable bad patches of marriage, I coined what I call the Three Ts; they’re basically my 3-point guide for regular health-checks on my marriage. What’s great about them is if they’re both diagnostic & curative…hope they help you too:
T1: TIME… We are both really busy (who isn’t!) so we need to really try to spend quality time together having fun & making memories together. Just ‘being’ in the same room, home or even bed (well…) together doesn’t connect a couple as does a round of crazy golf & a cocktail! When I start my week & people ask ‘what did you do this weekend?’ I don’t want all the fun I had to be with other people and all the sitting on the sofa to be with my husband…my friendships would quickly tire & die if we just sat watching TV & discussing our schedules each time we met so common sense says my marriage will fade if we don’t have fun together too: cue Date Night.
T2: TALKING… I’m a talker, hub is not, but we both try more & more to talk to each other about our days, about our gripes, about our plans &, yes, about our feelings. This ranges from touching-base re what we are up to socially to the more in depth ‘this is bugging me’ chats. There are many times I have a problem and David is nottt the person I need to talk to: I need a girlfriend (usually one with whom I can swear!). But while I could be tempted to then shut David out, instead I make a point of sharing it with him anyway even though he won’t know exactly what to say like my girlfriends will. He doesn’t need to be my counsellor or genie but he’s my husband so I make sure he’s connected with what’s going on in my head and in my life-and the more I share, the more he knows me & the better he gets at supporting me. And vice versa.
T3: TOUCHING…like having fun together & communicating well (!!!), sex is a vital relationship glue and one which uniquely sets marriage apart from friendships. Intimacy breeds intimacy so prioritising time to be sexual, to be creative, naked & vulnerable is vital. When one first starts dating it is such a struggle to leave the house on time and not stay home kissing like a teenager (sorry about that Char Char!). But then you’re married and they’re always ‘there’ and so quickly sleep can begin to feel more important than sex which can be had any day. NO! The more sex we have the more we want it (good ol hormones!) and the more connected & in love we feel. That said, there is more to touching than sex! As a teenager, I remember kissing til my lips were sore! The hand holding, shoulder rubbing, face stroking, & kissing *just because we want to kiss* are fun ways to physically & emotionally connect us, not just as a key to open the sex-door.
So they’re my 3Ts…of course lots of patience & forgiveness needed too but they don’t begin with T! If they help, share them, and please comment & share our own good tips too!